Painful Memories Come Alive
by 46captain46
Summary: A Stucky one-shot because I can't seem to be able to get rid of the pairing in my head. Bucky is remembering...and not in the most harmless way. Steve though is there and he knows everything will be alright... Slash! just so we are clear.


I finished watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier for the 5322347434th time and decided to write some Stucky stuff. Hope you enjoy it! There are some paragraphs where I swift POV's, so hopefully you will understand where it is Bucky's POV or just in third person.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not Steve Rogers, not Bucky Barnes, not… not…uhh I already feel the depression coming (goes to cry on the far away corner). Uhhhhh…..just go read the story.

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_ _"It was a mission, a dangerous one, but a mission none the less. I had been separated from Steve and someone was trying to kill me, while I was hiding behind some large boxes-was it ammo, weapons? Honestly, at the moment I didn't really care. I was seriously too close to death than I would have liked. As I was pretty sure I would die I saw Steve, behind the large metallic door and I knew he was here to help me as he always had."_

 _Because that's all Steve had done in his life, helping. Kids who got bullied and he ended up being the one getting beaten but had never regretted a single second of it. Helping middle-aged women who couldn't carry their grocery- not that Steve could, but he did his absolute best-children who scraped their knees and he was always there to make them feel better._

 _Steve always helped with his own way, anyone and everyone in any way he could, even people who didn't treat him right and the way he deserved-because let's face it, Steve Rogers deserved better than this shitty life, but being who he is he never complained about anything._

 _But most of all Steve helped Bucky. People couldn't see it and always thought it was the other way around, him getting bullied for being a smartass and Bucky always saving him. But that was what others saw. Because Steve didn't constantly get into fights because he wanted to provoke the bigger guys. No, he was always defending something, either that was his ideals or a person who-at least in his opinion, though Bucky always trusted his judgment-didn't deserve to get beaten. But Bucky knew something Steve didn't and for some reason no one else seemed to know it too. Bucky knew that the person who deserved the least to get beaten and bullied was Steve and no one seemed to realize it but him._

 _And Steve was always there for Bucky. He was always there, during break ups, bad days, assholes of bosses, and he never complained, never said 'enough', never left his best friend's side and Bucky knew that he would continue to do so even if the whole world was against him, even if everyone had turned their backs to him, Steve would never. And Bucky loved him for that, oh god how he loved him, but in a society that was hostile to homosexuality he could do nothing more than hide his feelings that had been eating him for at least ten years and pretend he liked the girls he was kissing and he wasn't dreaming of doing just that with Steve._

 _So yeah, Steve was his everything and even though it appeared that it was Bucky the one more mature, the one who took care of them, it was the other way around. It had always been the other way around. Sure, Bucky was the one who worked to provide them with food and a roof above their heads, but without Steve he would have given up long ago. Without Steve's optimism and kind words, and encouragement he would have been already dead. Dirty and drunk in some alley, because the life the two lived was hard and there were times when he wanted to give up everything, to kill himself-he had had that discussion with himself too many times to count-and hadn't it been for Steve and his soothing words as tears of frustration, anger and defeat streamed down Bucky's cheeks, he would have. Lord only knows he would._

 _After the super-serum, for a moment Bucky thought his friend would abandon him, because now he didn't need him at all. But he was wrong, because Steve couldn't, wouldn't._

 _When he was captured by Dr. Zola he had lost hope, he was sure he was going to die on that goddamn table and nobody would ever find him. But of course Steve just_ _ **had**_ _to prove him wrong. And he did just that. When Bucky was sure no one would come for him, Steve, that blond blue-eyed angel-_ _ **his**_ _angel-came once again to his rescue._

" _And here he is again; ready to step in and save me. Like the knight in the shining armor. Steve has come to save me one more time. He signals to me and gives me a gun, putting himself once again at the line, for me. For plain old me. But I am his best friend, and I know he would never abandon me. He never has._

 _We eventually kill the bastard that was playing with me for that long, but now we have an entirely different problem. A man, with absolutely deadly weapons on his arms is coming towards us._

 _Steve goes in front of me, ready to protect me from the blue ray. It's so powerful that sends us both on our backs, but of course it is far from over. He is supposed to kill us, and that's exactly what he is about to do._

 _To protect myself I pick up Steve's shield-oh, it's actually lighter than I thought! Focus!-and before I can process what is happening I'm flying out of the hole that has formed at the wagon and Steve is by my side in an instance, to try and pull me back in._

 _Acting out of pure instinct, I grab a metal bar, trying really hard not to fall over. I can see the clear determination but also the desperation in Steve's eyes. There's love in there too. I can see it clearly now. After years and years of wondering what's wrong with me, wondering of whether or not Steve could return my feelings. But I realize now that Steve has always loved me. Not only as a friend or a brother. I know that now and I am ashamed of myself for not realizing it sooner, as he was always there for me, always by my side, showing me his love without knowing it, and I was pushing him further away from me._

 _He is reaching for me, trying to get me on the train once more, and I decide to let him help me, to stop pushing him away, and once we get off the damn train I will tell him my feelings._

 _He reaches for me and just as his hand is about to catch me I hear a '_ _ **cling!**_ _' and my previous hopes and thoughts are crashed down on the ground far below us, as I'm falling, and I don't really care if I'm going to die in mere seconds because in my mind is carved one image; Steve's horrified expression as he realizes I was literally swept out of his hands and his lips desperately screaming one single thing. My name."_

And suddenly Bucky jolts awake and along with the nightmare-he now knows it is a memory-come other images as well. Words spoken only between the two, feelings shared, but never revealed.

He finds Steve hovering right above him, with a worried expression in his beautiful-oh, so beautiful-face.

"Steve" Bucky says, and Steve breaths a sigh of relief. There were many nights he woke up not knowing where or with whom he was.

"Steve…..I remember, I remember almost everything." There's a sharp intake of breath, but then, his face lights up so much that Bucky knows-don't ask, he just does-that the world is a little more brighter now.

"Oh, Bucky, that's wonderful" he says while he swipes Bucky in a bone crashing hug. Super-soldier or not Bucky knows out of the two of them, Steve is stronger. His almost bruised ribs are proof of that.

"I'm so glad" Steve whispers and his voice holds so many emotions Bucky is almost overwhelmed himself. Pain, relief, regret, guilt. All of them reflected in his eyes as much as in his voice. But most of all, Bucky recognizes _love_.

And only now he realizes. Steve doesn't tell him he's glad he's home, that he's happy Bucky is his old self, or that the Winter Soldier no longer exists. Because he does. He's a part of Bucky now, he will never cease to be, and they both know the truth.

He's glad that Steve has accepted him the way he is. He's glad that Steve, even though he has not the Bucky he, himself, was at 40s, and he has changed a whole lot, Steve still wants him there with him. He knows Bucky will never fully be the same-he was always smart, smarter than Bucky-but for Steve it doesn't matter, Bucky knows that much. And for the first time in a long while, he's truly happy.

He tries to reply back but the words die in his throat as the next thing he knows, Steve's lips are upon his own. The feeling foreign but then again somehow familiar. Strange in a kind of way, but not unwelcome. Never unwelcome. And he responds. He responds because he knows he loves Steve. In the rapid beating of his heart, the desperate need to touch him, the tears that well up in his eyes.

And Bucky is sure it is the same the other way around too, as Steve was one of the most loving people he had ever met and-sure as he was-would ever have the privilege to meet-and Bucky had met a _lot_ of people. And he knows, Steve is the most loving of all to him. It will always remain that way. No matter how many years pass.

The kiss is soft, but he can feel all the love Steve has for him-all pent up from the years before-and he knows his response is just the same. Because now they don't have to hide their feelings. They don't have to pretend. They can be themselves and love each other freely. The kiss leaves them breathless and Steve whispers "You have no idea how long I wanted to do that." Sincerity literally dripping from his voice and Bucky finds himself wondering…..'How long really?'

He was crushed when he had to go off to war. He still remembers the devastating sadness that shadowed Steve's beautiful face when he heard the heartbreaking news. He hadn't dared hope it was because Steve loved him more than a friend, or even a brother, but he hates himself to this very day for doing absolutely nothing when he was still able to gather Steve in his arms, when he didn't have anything else to lose, when risking everything was about to be his job. But he didn't, and when he was captured for a moment, a mere second he thought that maybe- _maybe_ -being alive wasn't so worth it, maybe if he was dead he wouldn't have to deal with forbidden feelings and repressed argues. But then Steve had gone and rescued him and Bucky knew that even if anything else on earth wasn't worth the torture of being alive, Steve was. And even if he was allowed in Steve's life as his best friend, he would take it, he was used to the hurt after all…..

As if breaking out of a reverie of his own, Steve answers the question truthfully with a light chuckle "Since we were fifteen, and I had to hide it ever since, had to see you fooling around, kissing, hugging with dames, and I couldn't say anything because what I was feeling was wrong, twisted and sick." By the time he's finished his expression has changed. Turned to one of hurt and pain.

Bucky can only imagine what Steve has been through. He is stunned. All this time….. It must have been awful for Steve, but if he is being honest with himself he saw the way Steve's eyes darkened and his fists clenching and unclenching in a vain attempt to calm his nerves down every time he mentioned a dame or he saw him with one. But, being Bucky, he thought little- _very_ little-of it and he eventually stopped caring and concerning himself about it.

Oh, how selfish he was. Breaking his best friend's heart over and over and not even caring to notice. Notice the little differences. How Steve wouldn't touch his sketchbook for days, how he would draw more and more away from Bucky, but never leaving him. He was mourning alone, silently for a broken heart, while the other was making out with a girl outside the house.

"I..I'm sorry. I-I hadn't thought-" he stammers.

"No." Steve cuts him off shaking his head. "No, you hadn't." he says but his eyes or even his voice is not accusing and Bucky realizes Steve has already forgiven him.

"I'm so sorry Steve." Bucky says sincerely, eyes filled with tears. But Steve knows, he has always known. "I know" he says, confirming Bucky's previous thoughts. And then Steve is leaning in again. Just close enough to touch Bucky's lips and drive him insane. Bucky then presses his own lips to Steve's, meeting him halfway, for another kiss. This one is more sure than the first but not any less perfect.

They both know they are not the men they once were, but they love each other-a love tested so many times, surviving after decades-and nothing can overpower that.

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Sooo, that was it guys! I hope you liked it! It was one of my first attempts of Stucky and-hopefully-a decent one-shot, so please tell me what you thought of it! Oh! I almost forgot, any grammatical mistakes are mine and mine only. And a special, big, flashy thank you to MyLovelyMarauder for being so awesome and supporting me!

Have a great day!  
~Byeeee~

46captain46


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